It’s 2016, I’m single, therefore I am on Tinder.
I mean there are probably single people who aren’t, but the majority of people out there will have at least tried it (or so I’d imagine).
I’ve had it for a while now, although I mostly just use it when I’m bored to judge people; it amazes me the profiles some people have. So whether you’re looking for what not to do on Tinder or just curious about the Tinder life but don’t actually want to try it yourself, here’s some of the things that will make me swipe left.
You have to put your age in on Tinder, and then you select what ages you’d like to be shown. So I’m just swiping and come across an absolute hottie, who’s 28, except actually when I click on to his bio he’s all “I’m actually 18″.
HELLO NO THAT’S NOT OKAY!!! What if I just absent mindedly swiped yes before checking and then I’ve liked an actual child???
Also, some people clearly put younger than they are. This one guy who claimed to be 25 and was 100% not a day below 50.
Not having a clear face shot
You can have multiple photos on your Tinder profile, so there is absolutely no need to have no clear pictures of your face. Show me the money shot, people. Ideally you’d have a ‘fun’ photo of you partaking in an activity so I know you’re interesting, a close up of your face, a full body shot and a few filler shots with friends. And at least one without sunglasses, because everyone looks good in sunglasses and I’m not willing to be deceived.
A lot of people use Tinder for a shag, sure; but that doesn’t mean you need to put “we all know what you’re here for, ladies” and a bunch of aubergines. Maybe I’m not here for your aubergine, don’t presume. Also, unless you’re actually Chris Hemsworth you aren’t fit enough to say that and still be attractive.
This is Tinder, not a UCAS personal statement. Keep it short and sweet, noone wants to get bored of you before they’ve even talked to you, okay?
On the other extreme, who are you? What do you like? Do you not know how to type??? I ain’t got time for this.
“Don’t swipe right if you ain’t gonna talk first”
Excuse me, pal, but if we matched you also swiped right on me, so why should I be the one to say hi? Double bloody standards, that’s what it is. Just because it’s Tinder doesn’t mean chivalry is dead (probably). I’m happy to say hey first, but I shouldn’t have to, cos I ain’t your bitch.
Sorry, this is a personal one because I hate children but yeah, even if they’re not yours, I’ll swipe left on anyone who has photos with kids. Why? Because a) you’re either doing it to trap broody girls, or b) you really love kids and I hate them and it just won’t work.
Another personal vendetta, but why would you put a Snapchat photo on with shit drawings and ‘funny’ captions unless you’re actually a douche. I mean, I love Snapchat (seriously obsessed actually) but Tinder is a strictly first impression thing, so save the funny snaps for if you make it to my Snapchat.
Same goes for mirror selfies. Not that I don’t do these, but I just think for Tinder, you wanna appear like you have friends, right?
Grammatical and spelling mistakes
Sorry to be part of the grammar mafia but “i like to eat am a bit of a book warm” (yep, real!!!) is not going to get you a match with anyone.
This is on here for two reasons. 1) man cleavages are not, and never have been, in fashion. 2) get over yourself
Use of the word lol
Again, two reasons: it’s not 2004, and you shouldn’t laugh at your own jokes. Tbh, bad jokes on a Tinder bio will pretty much make me swipe left anyway, the lol is just insult to injury.
Just body shots
Look guys, even if you have super abs, if I can’t see your face I’m not going to swipe right. What if you have a mohawk and pink eyebrows? Or, more likely, what if you’re a catfish?
People who do instead of emojis
This is just a personal tick, but I really dislike people who don’t use emojis. Unicode exists for a reason!
Getting your deep v’s out
You work out, we get it (probably from your heavy gym focused bio). That doesn’t make your v photos any less vain, arrogant and a bit embarrassing.
Only having group photos
Who are you? I give a Tinder profile about 3 seconds of my time, so I do not have the capacity to compare each photo and find out who you are.
Photos with hot(ter) friends
Why make yourself instantly less attractive?
Only having black and white photos
I was on Myspace too, I know this trick – everyone looks good in black and white. You ain’t fooling me.
Specifying what you’re looking for
Whether it’s “looking for someone to snuggle with” or “looking for a one night thing”, I don’t need to know, and I don’t want to know. Plus, if I don’t know what I want, why does it matter what you want? Just take it as it comes, dude.
Obviously there are exceptions to these rules; mainly if you’re super hot or your bio is super funny. But otherwise, keep it simple, play it cool, let me see what your face looks like.
And happy Tinder-ing!