Body confidence does not go hand in hand with weight. Being those 5lbs lighter will not make you happy. Being that size smaller will not make you feel thin. I’ve been everything from a size 8, at under 8 stone, to almost a size 16 around 11 stone. I can tell you now, I have never felt thin. Maybe for brief moments, when I realised my jeans were too big. But then moments later, I would forget that mile stone and focus on how disgusting my stomach was and how much I had to lose. Or maybe I would feel too weird feeling body confident, and I’d notice how ugly I was, and it would all deteriorate and I’d feel more worthless than if I’d never lost the weight in the first place.
I’ve been through so many stages of messed up when it comes to food, that a lot of it genuinely is a blur of severely restricted calories, degrading food diaries, exhaustion and binging. In my second year of university, I managed to build a pretty healthy relationship with myself for the first time in ever. I stopped trying to be skinny, and I focused on being healthy. I replaced drinking three or four times a week with the gym, and I swapped takeaways for cooking. For the first time in my life, I felt in control of my relationship with food. The weight melted off, but that didn’t even seem to matter because I felt amazing.
I don’t know when it happened but I started to become more obsessed with losing weight again. I think maybe the stress of third year, and how hopeless I felt with my studies, meant losing weight was something that I could focus on and look forward to. I told myself when I got to a size 10, I would be happy. That changed to a size 8. Size 8 happened, and I still wasn’t happy. I felt disgusting, like I didn’t want to be out with my friends or wear tight clothing because people would think I was fat.
Since then, I’ve gone back to a size 10 (not willingly, but my last six months of uni I was revising and working 12 hours a day and cooking and the gym were replaced with library sessions, complete with revisions snacks and takeaways) and although I am trying to lose weight and get back to a size 8, I actually appreciate how slim I was. I’m an apple shape so no matter what size I am, I always have a belly. I think I’d still have one if I was a size zero! But having fat on me does not make me fat. And having an accidental chocolate bar does not make me a failure.
So where does that leave me now? I’m trying to focus on changing my relationship with food, and myself, alongside changing my weight. If I only focus on being thin, I will never be thin enough to be happy. I know it’s cliché, but it really is a lifestyle change. And not just so I can lose weight and maintain my weight, but so I can finally look in the mirror and think, I look good.
What are your health goals?
